I’m short on words tonight (and presence of mind). I feel drained of all my energy. I’ve spent the majority of my evening contemplating the questions my therapist gave me at the end of our session today. And by the way, his reasons for not answering my email made a lot of sense. He reassured me that he has no problem with receiving emails from me, but part of his job is pushing me out of my comfort zone by actually getting me to “talk” about what I’ve written. The entire session was spent discussing the email and “stuff” relating to why I feel the way I do. The questions he left me with today are:
“How do I ‘feed’ my will to live? Or the desire to be happy? Or the good in my relationship?”
I still haven’t come up with answers for these questions yet, even after thinking about them for several hours and basically, arguing with myself for much of that time. I’ve realized that I keep getting hung-up on the word “feed.” Maybe, I should change the word to nurture, instead. “Feed” makes me think of “food” which makes me extremely anxious and completely unable to consider the question of living. Rather, the wording sends in me into that all-to-familiar death spiral, reacting not only to my thoughts and fears about food but also my thoughts and fears about living. I know, irrational. On second thought, it could be the perfect word to use for the exact same reason. Following that train of thought makes me recognize that my stomach is growling profusely and leads me to question why these fears exist in the first place that prevent me from nurturing myself in the most basic survival instinct – to eat food (I almost typed “extinct,” Freudian slip?).
Now, I find myself questioning, what is the “will to live“? According to Wikipedia, which, oddly enough, has an entry titled Will to live, it is “a psychological force to fight for survival seen as an important and active process of conscious and unconscious reasoning.” What if I don’t have the will to live? That small part that I feel does have the will to live can easily be reasoned out of wanting to put forth the effort. Maybe, that just makes me lazy (or crazy). Ugh, before this turns into a mind dump of pure negativity, I think I will halt right there and find something more positive to do, like play the piano or listen to music. Lenka has some really fun, upbeat music that totally gets stuck in my head; so I’ll leave you with one of my favorite songs by her, Roll with the Punches. Enjoy!