Hmm. I lost a day somewhere. All day long I thought it was the 18th. Maybe, it’s just the result of flipping my sleep schedule back to a more “normal” time frame. I actually went to bed at 9:00 pm last night and woke at 6:30 am this morning. It won’t last. It never does. I haven’t been able to maintain a regular sleeping schedule for many, many years. I’m sure that doesn’t help my mental health any. KR’s second shift work schedule for the last couple of years has us up at odd hours anyway. When it comes to making myself sleep, I’ve found that eventually my sleeping hours always end up creeping later and later each day until I flip full circle by having to stay awake for a full 24 hours just to make it to an appointment or other obligation. This worsens around the time of season changes.
And I’m longing for spring’s arrival.
Or maybe, the lost day is the result of a weekend that was a confusing mess of numbness and vacancy. I don’t know. I can’t make myself write about Valentine’s night. I really wouldn’t know what to say about it anyway, as most of that night isn’t available for recollection. From what I do recall, forgetting it is probably best. I’m almost certain that I had a pretty bad flashback that, well, even at the moment makes me feel nauseated and anxious enough to change the subject completely.
Yesterday, I went for a walk, a 3.6 mile walk, to be exact. The weather was so warm compared to the last few weeks. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to take in some sunshine and fresh air. Today, I feel it. I’m tired and achy, joints popping in protest with sore muscles to boot. The park was crowded with people relieving their cabin fever. Uncle Creepy was there, a man I’ve noticed at this particular park often. The first time I ever met him back in 2012, he asked for my assistance in helping him walk back to his car. He said he was recovering from a stroke, walking for his health (basically used the sympathy card). The second time this happened just a few weeks later, he copped a feel of my breast. Whether or not it was an “accident,” I’ve avoided him ever since. It took me close to a year and a half after that incident to become comfortable enough to even walk past him. Most of the time, I would dart up through the woods to the higher path or turn on my heels and go back the way I came just to avoid him. The day I finally worked up the courage to walk past him again as he was sitting on a bench last autumn, he asked again for assistance, with the same story. I told him, “I’m sorry, but you made me a little uncomfortable the last time I helped you.” Not just a little – a lot; but I gave him the benefit of the doubt with that comment as I continued to walk past. Yesterday, he only said “hello” as I quickly walked by.
As I continue to search through house rentals online to find us a better place to live, I’m becoming more and more discouraged. There are so many problems with this trailer and so few affordable options. Thus far, the places I’ve checked into have given me the same answer in regard to our pets, “No.” Over the last 3 years, we’ve exhausted every available option in this community. The financial issue of moving into a better place has been the greatest obstacle, but the pet issue leaves me feeling hopeless. I love these cats. They are family, not mere pets. My two have been in my life for 14 and 13 years. KR’s three have been in his life for 8 years and the twins, 7 years. Neither KR nor I take the responsibility of pets lightly. We both feel that when you open your home (and heart) to a pet, it is for the life of that animal. While I often feel like I work myself to death cleaning up after 5 cats (I am after all an obsessive clean-freak), their presence is a great motivator to keep me sane. Without them, I fear I wouldn’t bother getting out of bed; and I couldn’t imagine having to “choose” which ones to keep should we be forced to find any a new home. How could we possibly choose?! Lying about having 5 cats feels wrong; and I worry that lying would only cause more anxiety for me in the long-run, especially if the person from whom we were renting found out and evicted us as a result.
I’m really at a loss as to what to do about our housing situation.