Tonight, I find myself sitting here relishing heavenly silence — well, other than the clock ticking, the occasional passing vehicle, or one of the cats crunching food. My hypersensitivity will be the death of me. Actually, I’ve sat here for the better part of an hour. Doing nothing, just lost in thought, trying to process my day and the strong emotions that had me contemplating going out to buy a bottle of vodka (Yes, I refrained). I awakened much earlier this morning than I would have liked due to neighborhood dogs barking and loud, blaring music coming from outside. Even though I got 7.5 hours of sleep last night, I still woke up feeling tired, cranky, and like I haven’t slept in days. The previous night, I only got 5 hours sleep because I struggled to get to sleep. I awoke after only 5 hours sleep on Sunday, too, due to the disturbance of my neighbor yelling at her kids at the top of her lungs and slamming the door.
For the past two days in a row, I have had to endure loud country music for most of the day, provided by the neighbors. Even my case manager exclaimed, “That would drive me crazy,” when she stopped by yesterday for our appointment. After KR left for work this morning, I used exercise to take out my frustrations, 30 minutes of cardio and about 15 minutes of yoga. That calmed my nerves until the kids got home from school. By late afternoon today, the ball bouncing off the side of the house had my nerves shot with hands shaking. Somehow, after drinking a cup of hot tea and listening to Linkin Park and Metallica to drown out the neighbor nonsense while drawing, I managed to escape into my own mind, leaving everything else behind. Who says you can’t purposefully dissociate? It works. And at this point, I’ll take it. This is probably the reason I enjoy meditation so much. They’re virtually the same thing, except when I can’t control it or stop it from happening. Then… I just feel kind of… lost.
I think I need to get out of the house tomorrow.