I don’t want to be here anymore.
The landlord came by again for the rent and electric a little while ago. Why does he only stop by when KR is not here? I only gave him the check for the electric bill ($221) because we simply do not have the rent money. He, of course, said, “You can’t just withhold rent because the neighbors broke your window.” I told him that I’m at my wit’s end. If the money isn’t there, the money isn’t there! I raised my voice a little too loudly. I didn’t hide my exasperation. By the end of this encounter, I cursed at the man who seemingly holds my fate in his hands — out of sheer frustration. This house is falling down around us. The neighbors are driving us crazy. KR is working his ass off to pay for our landlord’s problems, leaving us with no means to get out of here. This whole situation is just NOT RIGHT! I feel like we’re being taken advantage of because there’s apparently no recourse, no solution to alleviate the burden.
I feel like a complete basket case. I can’t stop crying, now. I’ve been crying for over an hour feeling panicked, scared, and angry that I find myself in this all too familiar position. I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m going to suffocate. I’m sitting here wishing I would….
Sweet numbness sets in as visual imagery plays out in my mind, thoughts turning darker….
I should draw that visual to distract myself because I have another 5 hours before KR comes home from work.
“Wait it out. Wait it out.” That small voice whispers, but even that small voice remains unconvinced that things will change for the better.