Word Count: 0

As I sat here trying to find the words to express everything weighing so heavily on mind tonight, I found my eyes staring blankly at “Word count: 0” without so much as a clue what to write. Hours have gone by, literally hours. I’m tired of complaining. Complaining does absolutely no good whatsoever. It doesn’t accomplish anything. And nobody wants to hear it.

I feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, frozen in fear.

Nothing I can say… nothing I can write… nothing I can communicate in anyway alleviates the burden of knowing there really is no point.

Patience Is Not a Virtue I Possess

Perhaps the thoughts I’m going to share tonight are best left unsaid. Then again, it could be said that anything we share, whether verbally or through writing or on the internet, with others has the potential to create a ripple effect that causes even the slightest change for the better. Who knows? And does it really matter, anyway? What is, is.

I could have written about this earlier, but I chose not to because I give 3 chances to people before I make a judgement call. My case manager has missed our last 3 scheduled appointments, in a row. The first, she said, was due to a crisis emergency of another client. That’s understandable, though, I have to admit that even with the first missed appointment I felt like a courtesy phone call would have been more responsible than having just not shown up at all.

The second missed appointment was the rescheduled appointment after the first missed appointment. This second one, I gave her the benefit of the doubt because when she called, she woke me up. Since I wasn’t quite awake yet, I thought I could have simply mis-heard or not remembered properly the date on which she rescheduled our appointment. I called her the following Friday and left her a voice mail to find out what was up. When she called me back, she told me she had our appointment written down for the following Wednesday, even though I seem to remember her saying during that wake-up-call, “How about next Wednesday at 3:00?” (Not two weeks away.) However, she did come to see me after that phone call that day.

And then, there was today. Again, our appointment was set for 3:00 pm today; but she didn’t show up. No phone call, nothing. There’s no disputing the fact that my appointment card says 6-6-14 at 3:00 pm. I waited around my house until around 4:15 pm. I had to run a couple of errands and felt that waiting any longer was a waste of my time. No missed phone calls; no messages when I got home. Fine. Whatever.

Should I say something? To whom? Would it even do any good?

I’ve been at that “why bother” level of frustration for so many months now that I fail to see the point in complaining or even bothering to stand up for myself. I’m struggling to understand: Is it just me? Is this the “normal” level of care by this facility or case management, in general? I had case management once before in Clarksville, TN, briefly; but it was so different from what I’m experiencing here in rural “‘Merica.” Should I be upset over these missed appointments? Or am I overreacting?

Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I’m frustrated. Don’t schedule an appointment with me and then, not show up or even call to let me know that you can’t make it. That’s unprofessional! It’s irresponsible. How am I supposed to take this case manager seriously after 3  missed appointments? I’m trying very hard not to take this personally, but why shouldn’t I? Dammit, this is the 3rd time (in a row)! This does not feel like a coincidence. This feels like a test. A test of my will. A test of my character as a person. A test of my patience.

And right now, I have very little PATIENCE! I have no patience for games. I have no patience for drama. Drama is for TV shows and movies, NOT “real” life. I’m seriously at the point of dropping out of treatment again because – this – is not helping.