My quiet time keeps getting interrupted. The hours of alone time that I generally require to recharge my batteries haven’t been enough lately. I’m struggling to take the time to sit and write or draw or even play the piano. By the time I can manage a moment alone, it’s either already so late that I’m exhausted and all I want to do is sleep or if it’s during the daytime, I’m too preoccupied with everything else I need to get done to be able to concentrate and maintain focus. I’ve said before that I have no concept of time which means I can easily lose hours before I realize even a minute has gone by. This is the main reason why my time is so valuable to me. I’m not explaining myself very well, and I’m not sure I could explain this aspect of my life any better.
My “me” time is all I have to look forward to and what normally keeps me sane.
Feeling pressured to relinquish my time to others or for matters that I share no interest in frustrates and overwhelms me to no end. It’s nothing short of sensory overload. This pressure causes me to feel threatened, criticized, judged. This pressure invalidates a need that I have come to stubbornly protect, one of the few “needs” that I have managed to successfully identify — the need to be alone — sometimes more often and for longer periods of time than others. My earliest memories in childhood revolve around this obsessive need to be alone to process thoughts and emotions. However, it would seem that everyone involved in my life now views this need for “alone time” as avoidance, like it’s some sort of character flaw.
Self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness continuously creep into my psyche that I can’t quite put my finger on the source. I’m paying attention to my thoughts when I can, when they’re not racing at such speeds that they’re unrecognizable. I realize that most of the self-doubt and worthlessness are the result of what I’m thinking in regard to certain things other people have said to me over the past few weeks in regard to me not working a job outside my home or at least volunteering my time. The thing is, I’m not quite sure if it’s my twisted perception of what others said or if it’s an internal argument or if what I heard IS, indeed, what was said to me. Of course, at this point, I can’t remember what was said at all. I’ve been unemployed for 9 years. Why am I feeling so pressured now?
People are exhausting. They’re too hard to interpret because rarely do they say exactly what they mean. Their words rarely match their actions. Why can’t others simply be blunt and leave no room for doubt? I’m trying to choose my words very carefully here, but this is difficult to explain because I’m not really sure where it is coming from. Basically, I’m feeling pressured by other people (or maybe just myself) to be someone I’m not, someone I’m not so sure I could be even if I wanted to be. And I just don’t understand WHY I can’t be accepted for the person I am. WHY isn’t everything I already do enough?