Upcoming Anniversaries and Echoes

I’m learning that I literally have to take the time I need to do just about anything, not just the hobbies I enjoy, but also chores and errands. I mean really force myself into whatever I need or want to get done. This is so difficult when fighting depression (and anxiety and the weirdness that is dissociation that runs rampant this time of year for me). It would be so much easier to simply stay in bed, sleep a while longer, rest my weary mind. I’m so tired so much of the time, regardless of how much sleep I actually get. Coming out of the winter “blahs,” I’m struggling to reset my system and to find that “happy place” where spring usually takes me.

But today… today was more of a sense of urgency, that feeling of desperation — almost like the extreme anxiety that leads to a panic attack, but also an apprehensiveness or helplessness that I can’t explain. There’s really no reason for me to be feeling this way. My life is fairly stable at this time. KR and I are getting along well. Financially, we’re making the bills just fine. Yet, this pervasive feeling is so overwhelming, I can only conclude it is an echo of my past. As I drift in and out of conscious awareness, displaced emotions, numbness, and flat-out dissociation, I don’t know what to do with any of it.

It’s times like these that I need someone who truly understands to talk to; but it’s also times like these that I cannot make myself reach out for help.

Does anyone else experience this? What do you do?


6 thoughts on “Upcoming Anniversaries and Echoes

  1. I’ve experienced a lot of this in the past. I think when we’re depressed and trying to recover from things in the past, our emotions can be all over the place and sometimes it’s difficult to identify what’s what

    • Yes, I agree. I never really understood emotions growing up. Basically, I was taught to hide my emotions, especially anger and sadness. Even at 42 years old, I often don’t know how to label emotions, let alone what to actually “do” with them.

  2. At times like this, it is difficult to talk but talk you must, to a willing ear. Do not worry about complete understanding from your hearer. Just the process of talking would make things a little better.

    • I think the biggest problem for me is finding that willing ear. I’ve isolated myself for so many years that I’m not even sure I would know how to ask someone to listen or if I would recognize when another person sincerely wants to help. For so long I’ve felt like I’ve been screaming for someone (anyone) to HEAR ME, but in reality I’m too frightened to trust anyone in the real world enough to show how vulnerable I’m feeling.

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