Tonight, I find myself wondering how many people enter mental health services only to find that the care they receive is inadequate or unhelpful at best, damaging at worst. Do mental health centers purposefully attempt to break their clients further in order to prove a point, like some sort of screwed up reverse psychology? Are all clients regarded by mental health professionals to be so broken and damaged that none can be trusted enough to actually want the help they sought out in the first place? I’m really trying to understand the motives behind what these “professionals” do.
It’s unfortunate that I’ve had so many awful experiences with psychiatric care in the past because those experiences are clouding my judgment with regard to my current mental healthcare situation. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing and feeling is rational or irrational. At the moment, I’m feeling confused, completely befuddled and unable to trust my instinct that the system is harming me further, rather than helping. Yet, my only alternative seems to be to cope and deal with my mental illness on my own. I feel like a skipping record, asking myself the same questions over and over again, expecting a different answer — the very definition of insanity.
I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I expect to happen.
I was supposed to have an appointment with my case manager yesterday; but again, she was a no-show. No phone call, no text to reschedule — nothing. This feels like a repeat of last year when she missed several appointments. I should say something to the Clinical Services Coordinator again (I ended up speaking with the CSC last year about my case manager missing appointments after my therapist encouraged me to do so). I called the CSC yesterday after my case manager didn’t show up; but I couldn’t make myself leave a message. I should call my case manager to demand an explanation, just like I should have sent an email to my therapist to express my confusion over our last appointment.
Maybe, ALL of this is simply a test of my avoidance issues.