It’s been a weird day. First, I was awakened by a phone call from my Mom’s neighbor after only 6 hours of sleep. In my groggy state of mind, my concern quickly turned to panic after I realized who it was. She told me that she had heard about a wreck today involving one of the transport vehicles that takes my mom to dialysis. She couldn’t get my mom on the phone to check on her, so she called me to see if I had heard anything. After our short conversation, I immediately called my mom who was sitting at dialysis watching game shows (the fact that she was watching game shows cracked me up). She sounded in good spirits.
Thankfully, the wreck didn’t involve the van she rode today; but it still makes me sad to hear that one had an accident. I told Mom everything her neighbor told me and how sincerely concerned she was. After I spoke with Mom, I called her neighbor back to let her know that Mom was safe and sound at dialysis. She expressed her thanks and shared that she almost had a panic attack with worry. I thought to myself, “That shows a deep level of consideration,” but told her, “Believe me, I know what those feel like!” Also, I hope I successfully conveyed how much I appreciate her concern and consideration for my mother because I am so thankful that Mom has such great neighbors.
The second thing is more of an update to my last post. I finally called the Clinical Services Coordinator yesterday and left her a message to call me back. I’m wondering if I’m the only person who has to write out a “script” before leaving such messages on answering services, but at least I got through it and left the message. She called back today just after KR left for work. There was good reason for my case manager not keeping her appointment with me on Friday. She is “no longer employed” by the center where I receive care. Hearing this really took me by surprise. I was told another case manager has been assigned to me and should be calling within the next couple of days. I think this is something I will privately journal about to work out in my head as change is a huge issue for me.
I also attempted to tell the CSC my concerns and confusion about my last appointment with my therapist and how therapy ended — with great difficulty, I might add. I hadn’t prepared a script in order to express myself clearly, so I probably sounded like a stuttering fool. WHY is it so hard for me to communicate?! I struggled to get the words out. I don’t remember what she said in response, other than the suggestion to write everything out and how I am feeling about it. Since I’ve already pretty much done that here on my blog, that should be pretty easy. I’ve considered writing a letter to my therapist about this for the past 3 months; but my stubbornness has gotten the better of me (I’m wondering if stubbornness is my default reaction to feeling hurt), not to mention fear of confrontation (read that: fear of my own RAGE or possibly my therapist’s anger or frustration with me) lead me to avoiding the situation altogether.
When the CSC asked if I wanted to continue therapy, I told her I don’t know what I want to do. It’s more than ambivalence. It’s like paralyzing — completely immobilizing — indecisiveness, the best description I can think of. I’ve thought about it for 3 months. I need to figure it out!
The lighter side of the weirdness today was that our neighbors found a puppy living underneath their house. No idea how long he had been there. The puppy bears a striking resemblance in coloring to their 1-year-old dog, a German Shepherd mix, and a striking resemblance in body shape and coat texture to another neighbor’s Great Pyrenees (beautiful dog!). I’ve often caught those two nose-to-nose at the fence; so who knows? We often joked that the two were having a secret romance. If she was carrying only one puppy, could it be possible that all of us just missed the pregnancy as she matured? Then again, it’s also possible that the puppy wandered over from one of the other farms. It’s really quite a mystery that has all of us baffled.
I’m also feeling a little sad today as it’s the anniversary of my father’s death. It’s hard for me to believe he’s been gone for 11 years, now. I didn’t realize just how much the loss affected me until years later, but his death (diabetes complications) left a gaping hole in my heart. In the years since, I regretted not knowing more about his early years, his hopes and dreams, and his views on life and death. My dad taught me the value and benefit of living a simple life. “Things” are not nearly as important as finding what you love and what brings you peace of mind. I shared his love of nature and find comfort in the outdoors. He warned never buy on credit what you cannot purchase with cash because debt only leads to suffering — advice I wish I had taken more seriously early on in my married, adult life so that I wouldn’t have had to learn that lesson the hard way. My dad was a man of few words, but I knew he loved me even if he couldn’t say those words.