I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. My sleep is disrupted. I feel like I’m not sleeping at all. When I do manage to drift off into a restless sleep for a few hours, I wake up earlier than I should and can’t get back to sleep. I’m not eating either. I have no appetite. I haven’t eaten a meal since I made burgers Friday night. I’m really struggling right now. I made myself go speak with someone at the local crisis stabilization unit today to get an objective opinion about what’s going on. I read to her what I wrote last Thursday or at least a little over half of it before she stopped me.
I feel worse now after talking with her than I did when I woke up. For all intents and purposes, she confirmed my conclusion that this situation is my fault. No, she didn’t say that; but what she did say leads me to that interpretation because she said KR was probably suffering from heat exhaustion that night and only wanted to come home and relax after work. Having to cook a meal after a long day sent him over the edge. KR said as much. I knew this already but hearing her say it, too…. and then, go on and on about ways to make meal planning and meal preparations easier. Again, all things I already knew. This fucking food issue is a BIGGER issue than just making myself cook a god damned meal. Why does no one listen?!
By the time I left CSU, all I could think about was, “I do deserve to be treated badly. I’m a selfish, insensitive bitch for making KR’s life so miserable.”