Determination took over yesterday. I called the mental health center back to schedule an appointment with a counselor. I ended up calling several times because the first time, I got the answering service again. The second and third times, they dropped the call. The fourth time they told me since it hadn’t been a year, I didn’t need a first time appointment, just to call the front desk. They transferred the call there. The woman at the front desk told me I had to see my previous therapist again because he was the last person I saw there. If he chooses to refer me to someone else, that’s up to him; but I have to see him first! Why didn’t my case manager tell me this? I panicked, remembering my last visit with this therapist in January and the email I sent him back in April. I told her, “I’ll pass,” and hung up.
Again, the panic sent me reeling as I ran through my options and how I’ve been feeling over and over again in my head. I broke down and sent my previous therapist an email telling him what the front desk told me. I honestly didn’t expect him to respond, let alone schedule an appointment with me; but he did. He said he would set aside some time for me on Monday morning.
It’s going to be a long weekend.
KR has tomorrow off of work due to the holiday. Even after a week of this, he’s still in an awfully foul mood. He’s still sleeping on the couch. I never told him to sleep on the couch. He chose to himself. Last Saturday, he left the house around 1:30 pm (with the remainder of his 24 pack of beer he bought the night before) and didn’t bother coming home until sometime Sunday morning. I have no idea where he spent the night. I thought it best not to ask out of fear of another episode. I didn’t know whether I should be worried, pissed, or indifferent. I chose to express indifference, yet I felt incredibly sad.
I’m more hurt than angry over everything KR said and did last Wednesday night and worried over the extreme changes in his behavior. He’s drinking far more alcohol than I am comfortable with. For a solid year, now, he’s had alcohol in the house every weekend. That can’t possibly be good for him, physically or emotionally. His despair about his life and the hopelessness that he expressed during his meltdown make me wonder just how bad his depression actually is. The main points I remember about the issues he brought up during his meltdown were the usual — he’s not getting enough sex and he wants a child of his own to raise. In regard to the sex issue, KR literally said to me:
“It makes it harder on me when I do run into somebody that shows some kind of interest in that way and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to do anything about it because I shouldn’t have to go out there to get something that I should be getting here.”
When I hear him say things like this, I feel like sex is all I’m good for to him. That my only worth is as a whore, especially with the “things” he expects me to do that I’m not comfortable with. When I hear him say things like this, I feel like his misery is my fault. He said I make him feel unattractive due to my lack of affection. I wasn’t raised with much affection; so I’m not good at showing it, especially when feeling as triggered and stressed as I have over the last 2 or 3 years. It’s really hard to show love when I feel like if I even touch him, he expects sex. This has been an issue for so long that the pressure is overwhelming.
All week, he has barely acknowledged my presence, let alone speak to me or show any type of affection. Maybe that’s a mirrored reaction. It’s been more than tense. We’re simply not communicating. WHY?? My guess is he’s still mad at me for being me. I don’t know what else to do other than “fake it” and pretend everything is okay while in his presence. I’ve gotten so good at this that I can even fool myself for brief periods of time. I wonder if that’s what leads to dissociation? In addition to dissociating, my startle reflex is completely exaggerated. I’ve had a few nightmares and the flashbacks are intense. I feel like a complete basket case — cycling between suicidal thoughts, delusions, and paranoia. This goes far beyond simply feeling overly sensitive and insecure. I’m a mess.
Today, I was determined to give myself a break, if only for a couple of hours. I went to see a movie at the local movie theater, Inside Out. I had heard nothing about this movie until this afternoon when I read an article about it on Newsweek’s website and watched the trailer (below). First, let me say, I haven’t been to a movie theater since the summer of 2005 — 10 years ago! This was truly a very special treat for me. I don’t want to give away anything about the film, but I definitely have to recommend it to anyone who struggles with their emotions. It’s an exceptional film! Maybe I was just overly emotional today; but I cried during the Pixar short, Lava, at the beginning of the movie. It reminded me of Hawaii and triggered “lost love” in me rather than “finding love” as the short depicted. I couldn’t help myself as the tears streamed down my face. Maybe I just needed a good cry because I also cried during the film.
With it being a long weekend, I doubt I’ll be back on here until Monday or Tuesday. I don’t get much time for doing things like blogging while KR is home….