KR came home from work last Friday night (yeah, I’m a whole week behind here) after his usual run into town to the liquor store with a huge bottle of Jack Daniels, 1.75 liters, $48.50 later — my drink of choice. I told him, “You suck!,” half-joking, half-serious. He said, “What? It’s what I wanted.” He went on about how just because I went through rehab doesn’t mean I couldn’t have a couple of drinks if I wanted to, asking again, “So, what? Have you sworn off alcohol altogether?” I told him the weekend prior that I wanted to remain sober for as long as I possibly could, if not for the rest of my life. I meant it. I recognize that I do, indeed, have a problem with substance abuse even if he cannot.
From the time I began drinking alcohol at around the age of 19, each time span of total sobriety grew shorter and shorter as each period of time I binged on either drugs or alcohol grew longer and longer. The last year prior to rehab was one of the longest, most regular and routine bouts of substance abuse I’ve had. I know from experience my life was far more manageable during those sober periods.
I told KR he just doesn’t get it. If I have one drink, I want more and more to keep that high going. One drink easily turns into 6 to 8 or more! That is NOT how I want to live my life. I don’t want to feel sick and hung over or waste my time and energy or money on something that can have such a detrimental affect on both my physical and mental health, something to which KR seems oblivious.
But still a part of me desperately wanted all of it, just for that high, to be out of my mind, to forget for just one night. Prior to going to bed last Friday night, KR asked, “Are you sure you don’t want a shot to help you sleep?” <sigh> I resisted despite that craving to have just one shot, an urge so strong it made my mouth water. INSANE! Reading the note KR left me the following morning increased that urge 10-fold:
So yeah, there’s that, too. Sex is such a huge issue between us that it has me questioning my sexuality, something I’ve questioned from time to time since like 5th grade; but that’s a post for another day (I’m seriously beginning to wonder if I am asexual or demisexual). I’m left feeling crazy, like I did prior to going into rehab. I understand, now, why they told us in rehab to change everything because I just waltzed right back into the same insanity I was trying to save myself from.
When KR finally woke up Sunday afternoon (a week ago), we went to Lowe’s. I happened to notice the odor of Jack Daniels on him while we walked around the store. Whiskey has a distinct odor. I even asked him if he had taken a shot before we left the house because it was so strong. He said he hadn’t. Thankfully, I drove us around to run our errands that day. We grabbed a bite to eat right after Lowe’s, prior to doing the grocery shopping. About an hour or so after we got back home, he told me he was going to go hang out with a couple of friends at a bar. KR still wasn’t home by the time I finally went to bed at 2:30 am. I have no idea what time it was when he finally came home. I just know when he came to bed, I woke up briefly due to him stumbling around, talking loudly to our cats, telling one to get out of his spot because he was too drunk to stand up.
He drove home in this state.
He jeopardized the lives of others on the road by driving while intoxicated as well as his own, risking a DUI or worse, not to mention the fact that he went into work on Monday with a hangover! This past Friday night, he came home with two bottles of Tequila. Tonight, he’s back out at a bar with friends. His behavior is out of control. There’s no way for KR to see how insane all of this is until there are consequences that actually affect his life, his attitude, or his health. I’m scared for him. I’m scared for me, too.
The denial is strong in this one.
Regardless of the fact that KR grew up with an alcoholic father and step-mother, he just can’t see it. And I think that is the most baffling part of all to me. I’m lost in the irony of it all. A few months ago during an argument, KR said to me, “I’m just going to become a drunk.” As if that was his solution to all the relationship problems we are going through (not just he or me, WE). He obviously meant it. Before I went into rehab, KR asked me, “You don’t expect me to quit drinking do you?” I had to answer “no” because unless he quits drinking alcohol of his own volition he would only grow to resent me for telling him to quit.
Today marks 60 days sober for me. I’ve had no urges or cravings to drink this weekend despite alcohol being present. IOP group has been cancelled for next week due to the counselor being out-of-town, so I kind of feel like I’m in limbo right now. I have plenty of things I could be doing, just nothing that holds my interest for very long. One day at a time, right?