What the hell did my sponsor say that shut me down on the phone? I was talking about how going to rehab could hurt my chances of actually getting SSDI should my disability advocate decide to appeal. He finally called me back to schedule a meeting next Thursday. I’m not hopeful. In most cases, judges look at addiction issues not as a disease but much the same as society views it, a character flaw that the individual has some control over. Where I understand that my use of alcohol was an unsuccessful attempt at controlling the symptoms of my mental illness thereby making addiction a symptom itself, a judge might not see it that way. Since becoming clean and sober, my mental illness symptoms have increased considerably, worsening as the weeks progress.
No. I’m not going to go back to using drugs or alcohol despite any urges to do the contrary. I’m done; no more of that chaos! I have no desire to give up my 114 day sobriety.
My sponsor told me that she needed my help in predicting the future and reading people’s minds since I could predict the outcome of my case and read the judge’s mind.
That’s why I shut down.
I have good reason to be leery of a judge’s scorn for having gone to rehab, especially considering the content of the 12 page decision letter that questions my credibility. I’m not an idiot, and I hate to be teased.
It’s been an all around bad day.
First, KR forgot his wallet; so I had to take it to him at work. Then, the washing machine quit working, wouldn’t spin out. I ended up having to spend over an hour hand-rinsing that load of laundry, still didn’t get all the soap out. It took nearly 3 hours for that load of laundry to dry. Ringing water out of clothes, especially towels and denim, is incredibly difficult. Midway through all of that, my disability advocate called and sent my mind racing through all the what-ifs of should I or should I not continue with my disability case. “Why bother?” kept creeping up like it so often does when I’m feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Suicidal thoughts swept in; the urge to drink came immediately after; what the hell?!
I called my sponsor, broke down in tears after she teased and I shut down. She suggested going to the local NA meeting since there was no meeting tonight at our home group. I went. It was a candlelight meeting. I hate those because they turn out all the lights. It’s creepy. After one member was obviously using his cellphone during the meeting (glow of the screen), another member openly criticized him for it in a passive aggressive manner that reminded me of why I chose a home group nearly 45 minutes away from me in neighboring Cookeville rather than the one closest to my home.
I wasted no time in leaving after the meeting was over. Perhaps my foul mood today only fueled my disdain over tonight’s meeting, but I should have listened to my own instincts and stayed home rather than forcing myself to be around people when I felt the need to isolate and decompress. < This is the struggle of the introvert.