Lost in Nothingness

It’s like sleep paralysis, except I’m awake.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? I did, once. During my teen years, I fell asleep on my stomach, lying across the foot of my bed one day after school. I’ll never forget it because I awakened with a startle, opened my eyes, but couldn’t move a muscle — nothing except my eyes. It was terrifying. Slowly, concentrating all my will on one finger, it twitched. After that, I finally moved my hand. One by one, focusing all my energy on my body parts, I awakened each one as if by force.

Nowadays, I’m experiencing a similar type of paralysis during waking moments. I find myself sitting, unable to move, lost for a few moments or sometimes, as long as an hour (as was the case tonight). I would liken it to meditation, but there’s no real conscious awareness as in meditation. It’s only permeated by that feeling of nothingness.

Gone.

Out of my head for a bit.

Until some part of me gently encourages movement, if only a toe or a finger or “blink, dammit, blink!” These moments can be equally terrifying; but at the same time, there’s comfort… space. It’s tempting to get lost there forever.

If only….

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