Rambling

I took a three and a half hour nap today! I didn’t mean to sleep so long, but I guess I wouldn’t have unless I truly needed it. I could have slept longer; but I hate napping because I know it messes with my sleep schedule, which is why I rarely, if ever, nap. I haven’t been sleeping well, getting far too little sleep for this time of year. Most days for the past couple of months, I feel like I’m sleep-walking through my days, not really there.

I’ve started several posts to my blog over the past month, scrapped every one without posting anything. It’s been over 2 months since I posted to my other blog. I’m not feeling motivated.

We had to euthanize one of our cats last month. Both KR and I are heartbroken over our loss. We sat with her at the vet’s office until she passed. This experience gave me nightmares. I spent most of a couple of weeks sobbing at times, in quiet tears at others. Three weeks later, it still hurts; but the tears come less frequently. Watching our other cats, I wonder, “Do they understand what happened? Do they feel the loss as well?” I think they do.

Is it wrong that I find cats’ level of detachment inspiring?

I’m feeling numb, the usual winter depression taking on a form of dissociation with the added loss of a beloved pet.

Numb dissociation.

Typical.

At what point will I accept this is as good as I get. It’s not that my life is complicated or chaotic now. I purposefully simplify my life to keep it manageable. I understand that most of the chaos and confusion I feel nowadays is internal, more or less perceptually flawed. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, but at least I recognize I have this tendency to make mountain out of mole hills.

I finally saw the nurse practitioner today after an hour and 45 minute wait. She likes to talk, so her appointments always get really backed up as a result. I’m not begrudging her for that. I actually enjoy talking to her. Today, she had an intern with her, though. My first reaction when the intern, alone, came out to get me was an internal panic that went something like: You’re-not-stranger-danger-I-don’t-know-you-how-am-I-going-to-talk-with-you-in-the-room-red-flag!

I had hoped I appeared calm. I generally try to hide my panic (or any emotion, for that matter, when in the presence of others); but all the way back to the NP’s office she was trying to put my mind at ease after observing at least part of my panic, introducing herself, and explaining her reason for being there. I should have cancelled this appointment because I quit taking the Latuda back in December. I told the NP that. She asked about symptoms.

My mind went blank. I don’t even remember what I finally said.

She didn’t pressure me about taking psychiatric medication. For that, I’m grateful. Since I’m not on medication, there is no reason to continue seeing her. Probably the shortest visit I’ve ever had with the NP.

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2 thoughts on “Rambling

  1. Oh, I’m so sorry about your cat. I know that feeling all too well. I had to say goodbye to two of our beloved cats over the last year, and it broke my heart both times. One died in my arms on the way to the emergency vet, but I’m glad I was holding him, talking to him, and letting him know it was OK to let go. I told him I loved him and he’d had a good life. Our other cats didn’t seem to notice, but I believe they did. The energy in the house was different, and I believe animals respond to that in their own ways.

    It’s good to love, even though it hurts. Your cats were special, and now their energy has been released into the universe, perhaps to find its way back to consciousness and perhaps to cross your path again. You’re a kind soul, so I’d count on it. : )

    • Robert, that’s one of the kindest, most sincere condolences I’ve ever heard. Thank you. I appreciate your words so much. I believe it takes having loved and lost to know that level of sincerity and empathy. I, too, am so sorry for your losses.

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