For several months, I’ve contemplated the future of this blog, considered the possibility that it may be time to retire it. The fear I’ve shared too much publicly weighs heavily on my mind. When I began this blog 3 years ago, I didn’t intend for it to become a dumping ground for all the negativity I struggle through daily. I had rather hoped that it would be a way to collect my thoughts about my life and everything I’ve gone through — to figure out how to move forward — to let my past go. I wanted to share my story with the public to help others understand the struggles those of us who suffer from mental illness go through and help anyone suffering realize you’re not alone in your fight to survive.
What I didn’t expect was how isolated and alone sharing my life in this way would make me feel. Ironic, isn’t it? I shared my life story with the public with the intent of helping others who have gone through similar experiences feel not so alone, yet a consequence of doing so left me feeling more disconnected than when I began.
Instead of completely retiring the blog, my plan is to rewrite “The Story of My Life” — a compromise with my inner critic. The rewrite will take into account any newer insights I might have had since first draft, while also correcting wordiness, passive voice, and structure. The majority of the other posts I shared here were written in the moment (or just after the moment) without any real understanding for why I react in the ways I do or how my perception of events negatively impacted my relationships with others, particularly my boyfriend of 10 years with whom I live. These were all deeply personal entries that would be better left private; therefore, a great many of the posts from the first 3 years of blogging here will no longer be accessible to the public.
It’s with a heavy heart that I made this decision. I put a lot of time and effort into this blog and everything I wrote — all 190 posts. Only a few posts will make the cut, pieces I wrote to benefit the public’s understanding of mental illness and to benefit those struggling with mental health issues cope. Unfortunately, those were few and far between. New struggles and current life experiences that trigger an “echo of my past” often get in the way of what I’m trying to accomplish; so this process of editing and rewriting my blog will take time.
It’s also my hope to contemplate each experience of my life again to gain new insight into what actually triggers me, what helps me feel safe and secure, and how best to cope in the future with that knowledge. I would love for this blog to become a source of inspiration for others to help them along their paths to gain self-awareness. The path of self-awareness is a path not all choose to take it; but it’s the most spiritually rewarding of the paths available in life, in my honest opinion, despite the pain and suffering that accompany any trauma we face.
I chose to write this blog using a pseudonym to give myself the freedom of anonymity. I simply needed a place where I could vent, tell my story, and speak out about mental health issues and mental illness. Given the current stigma associated with mental illness and the rape culture that persists in our society, I think it’s necessary and very much-needed for those of us with these experiences to speak out about them. More understanding is required before we can take the steps to fix a broken mental health system and create a civilized culture that nurtures our individuality through care and compassion.
I need to speak out. Over the years, I’ve isolated myself to the point of becoming a recluse. Other than my boyfriend, it’s very rare that I interact with other people in real life. It’s a great deal more difficult to heal from trauma alone than with an emotional support system; but sometimes, isolation can be beneficial as well. With the current state of our world, as dismal as it may seem, I can’t continue fighting this in silence. I have to find my voice again for my own sanity. I’m not looking for sympathy. My life is the product of a great many mistakes on my part. There’s no denying that. My hope is that by sharing my story, I can finally release it, let it go. I’ll continue updating this “About” section as my blog grows, but My Story provides a more in-depth look at my life. All parts of My Story, a total of 13 posts, are linked below.
***Trigger Warning*** — I discuss a great many details of my life that could possibly be triggering for some readers. Please, exercise caution while reading if you experience issues with PTSD, particularly PTSD that results from rape, suicide attempts, or self-harm. I know from personal experience that reading others’ accounts of traumatic events can be very triggering, so be sure to practice self-care and compassion for yourself if reading becomes overwhelming.
- My Story – Part 1 (Childhood Background)
- My Story – Part 2 (Off to College & Getting Married Too Young)
- My Story – Part 3 (The First Half of My Year of Hell)
- My Story – Part 4 (The Second Half of My Year of Hell)
- My Story – Part 5 (The Aftermath)
- My Story – Part 6 (Trying to Survive)
- My Story – Part 7 (Chaos Relived)
- My Story – Part 8 (The Relationship with My Son)
- My Story – Part 9 (Relationships with Family)
- My Story – Part 10 (My Relationship with KR)
- My Story – Part 11
- My Story – Part 12
- My Story – Part 13 (Chaos Reviewed)
General stuff – I live in a quiet community in Tennessee, USA. I enjoy all things creative, i.e. photography, drawing, painting, playing piano. Music and art bring me great comfort. I also love to be out in nature and hiking.
Comments are welcomed. I ask only that you, please, be civil and respectful. If you’re shy about commenting publicly, feel free to email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Thank you for stopping by. You may call me, Trixie.